Placebo Effect
by emberin
Summary: Strength of will can wish many things away… but only the things you truly want gone. Saitou/Chizuru, perhaps.


Saitou Hajime doesn't believe in miracles, but if they existed, Ishida Powdered Medicine would certainly be one of them.

Severe bruising and headaches would be healed overnight, and it wouldn't hurt at all. Every time he has taken it, it worked like a charm, and he would be up for training (or battle, or whatever task he had next) the next day. Others may balk at his claims, but he knows it works, and that's enough for him. Truly, if he has to rank what things he is glad to have encountered in his life, Ishida Powdered Medicine would probably rank not too far after Hijikata-san and the Shinsengumi.

Hijikata-san is certainly right about it being the number one medicine in Japan.

* * *

He wonders if Ishida Powdered Medicine can help get rid of other things. Thoughts, for example.

After all, Hijikata-san did tell him once that for serious incidents, the most important thing is the will that believes in its effect. Maybe if he believes that this medicine can get rid of certain other things, it'll work.

Lately, errant thoughts keep passing through his stream of consciousness, catching him unawares of their presence until someone else brings it to his attention that he seems to be lost in contemplation. He sometimes finds himself deeply out of focus with the world, but completely focused on one particular thing in his mind. And it only gets worse when said thing – or person, rather – is near…

He shakes his head. This certainly will not do in battle.

* * *

Often, he stands in the courtyard when it snows, watching the mysterious phenomenon.

He is captivated by its ephemeral nature, its fleeting moments in the world. It arrives and then comes to pass, leaving few signs that it was ever present at all. The small white flakes that dance in the sky as they fall to the earth help him to meditate, to sharpen his mind. It is an exercise he conducts on early winter mornings, when the silence of the household leaves him with his thoughts.

Except in those moments when he thinks back to his times watching the snow with Yukimura, the feel of her chilled hands when she gave him the snow rabbit, the clarity with which she interpreted his fascination with the snowfall. Then she is there also, watching the snow beside him, admiring its beauty with her clear eyes, seeing so much more easily what he could not see for himself.

And then he turns, and she isn't there, and he scowls at himself for being lost in thought yet again.

* * *

The situation comes to a head, and he goes to the Vice-Commander's office.

"Vice-Commander. Please give me some Ishida Powdered Medicine."

Hijikata-san looks up at this statement, his eyes wide with concern… which then quickly turns into what seems like puzzlement.

"Is this for someone else? You're not injured…"

"No, I…" At this, he pauses, trying to think of how to phrase this. Needless to say, Hijikata-san shouldn't be burdened with his problems. "My mind has not been clear as of late. But with Ishida Powdered Medicine, it will not be a problem any longer. Is that not correct?"

The older man pauses, and for a moment it seems like he is almost desperate to say something but the words aren't coming to him. But then Hijikata-san turns to a drawer and pulls out several packets, handing them over with what seems like a reluctant sigh and a smile.

"Well, you do seem to be slightly more distracted recently… here, will that do? Remember, the most important part is the will that believes in the medicine's effect."

He excuses himself from the room, though not without an expression of gratitude and a bow. Finally, he could return to his duties as usual.

* * *

"Saitou-san? I've brought tea…"

A soft, familiar voice. He puts down the brush in his left hand.

"Come in."

The paper door opens, and there is Yukimura, carefully setting down the tray she has brought with her. She is always careful with her actions, assessing each situation as she enters it. And yet, her words and motions are natural and not calculated, speaking from… a pure heart is the only way he can think of accurately describing it.

He thinks back to the time that she dressed as a woman, him barely recognizing her at the time. How close he had been to telling her what was on his mind… and that release would have been enough to drive the thoughts away. But he missed the chance, and now they keep coming back –

"Um, Saitou-san? Is something wrong?"

That voice snaps him back to the face in front of her, and he curses himself for letting it happen again. He shakes his head.

"It's nothing for you to worry about. Thank you for the tea."

He picks up his brush as a sign that the conversation is over, but it isn't until she leaves the room that he can bring himself to focus on his paperwork again.

* * *

He's sure he took the medicine, so… why isn't it working?

If anything, his thoughts have been even more muddled as of late. He tries ignoring it, only to have it return time and time again. But when he finds his brush absently lingering on the paper, forming a giant blot, he knows this cannot continue.

"Vice-Commander. Do you have a moment?"

"Yeah, come in."

He sees that Hijikata-san is sitting with his own stack of paperwork, and he feels bad for interrupting him for such a reason.

"What is it, Saitou?"

"The Ishida Powdered Medicine. It's…" He hesitates at saying this. "It's not working."

Hijikata-san raises an eyebrow, but says nothing for a few moments.

"Well, if you're sure you've taken the medicine, and you definitely have the will… then it might mean that you don't really think the initial condition is necessarily a bad one."

But that's ridiculous. Of course it's bad. It's distracting, it's ruining his paperwork…

Hijikata-san must have seen the frown on his face, because he says with a slight smile, "Just think about it a little bit more."

* * *

Yukimura.

That's what – rather, who – is on his mind now.

He sits in the courtyard, arms crossed, eyes closed. He needs to figure out why she keeps appearing in his mind. And so, he decides to confront it head-on.

"Not necessarily bad… huh," he repeats to himself. Well, he certainly has no reason to doubt Hijikata-san. After all, Ishida Powdered Medicine does do many things.

But just what is it about her that captivates his attention?

Maybe it's the way she talks, politely – but not obsequiously – engaging the captains in conversation. Or perhaps it's how she works diligently at whatever task she is assigned, no matter how mundane. Or maybe it's the wistful glance he sometimes sees in her eyes when she comes on patrol with him and she sees a girl dressed up nicely…

Most of all, though, it must be her heart: the heart that sees the world around them in such a radically different way from the way he does. And in that, he finds fascination.

Clarity.

Purity.

Warmth.

And all of a sudden it seems to make a little more sense to him, and he smiles to himself at the fact that his mind has actually just been going in circles trying to answer this question, when the answer is so simple. It is precisely because these can be such difficult things to find that he doesn't want to lose them.

"Saitou-san?"

A familiar voice. He turns, and sees Yukimura walking towards him.

"What is it?"

It comes out a little more coldly than intended.

"O-oh, nothing. I was just wondering what you were thinking about, to give you a smile like that."

_You._

"… a revelation, I suppose."

She looks at him with a quizzical expression, as if she's not sure what to make of his cryptic answer.

"Oh…" Silence, for a moment. "Well, I should continue with the laundry… so I'll see you later!"

And then she is gone, without any trace that could say they had a conversation. Just like snow that melts when it touches a hand, ephemeral, fleeting.

He finds himself wishing their conversations were a little longer. Holding onto those brief moments will have to do for now. His mind is clearer, and his thoughts are sharper. Somehow, the confusion gave way; maybe it's because now he knows the reason for those thoughts to begin with, and he is no longer burdened by trying to understand.

Saitou Hajime pulls out the medicine packets from in his sleeve and smiles. Ishida Powdered Medicine truly is the number one medicine in Japan.

* * *

Been slowly editing it here and there, although it's basically the same.

Inspirations from the drama CDs and Sekkaroku episode 2. Check them out if you haven't already!

-emberin


End file.
